Hugga hugga hugga!

Hi kids! It's time for EVERYONE'S favourite Saturday morning show...

UNCLE WIGGLY'S PIT OF DROOL!

(Canned applause, as a huge mongoloid in a tattered, blood-stained clown suit leaps from the studio rafters. A massive spiked club is slung over his shoulder, a smouldering smelly cigar clenched between his broken, rotting teeth. Yes, this is the beloved Uncle Wiggly! His head jerks spasmodically from side to side with a truly paranoiac look in his rhuemmy eyes. Certain that his arch-enemy, Mr. Censor is nowhere in sight, Uncle Wiggly licks his cracked, blistered lips and, looking straight into the camera, into the screaming souls of 3-30 year-olds everywhere, smiles malevolently..)

'Alright you little scumsuckers, it's time to havesome goddamned fucking FUN!!!'

(It seems Uncle Wiggly has uttered the magic phrase for the day, as within seconds a huge cage on wheels containing lalf-starved, whimpering parents is wheeled on-screen..)

(One man, about 40-ish and very accountantly-looking presses his body against the bars and starts wailing at the horrible fiend..)

'Please! PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! I'll give you anything you want, just don't make me go through that horror again!!! AGH!'

(U.W. sneers contemptuously for the home-audience, and crosses the space between himself and the man within the cage in a lightning quick leap, making the man soil himself thoroughly..)

'Lissen here, you whining little faggot, you don't know from nuthin'. You think you've ENDURED? That was only MAKE-UP, pal! The best is yet to come!

'Ok, kids.. we've got a special treat for you today! All you little sadistic twerps out there who sent me letters, saying how much you'd like me to kill your parents, and why.. well, we picked the best five entries, and here are our mudderfuggin' winners!

(U.W. opens the cage, and grabs a small, delerious woman. She screech- es horribly, and dies instantly from a major cardiac-arrest..)

'What the-- WHY YOU LITTLE BITCH! FUCK!'

(Amidst many, MANY other much worse expletives, U.W. proceeds to stomp up and down on the poor woman's head, reducing it to a pulp in seconds, under his rusted, hobnail boots..)

'Alright, bluddy next! This Is Al, from Pensicola. He sent his son Jimmy to military school this semester. Why? 'cuz he caught him jacking off in the bathroom, ain't that right, Al?'

(Before Al can utter a word, U.W. clamps a hairy, sweaty hand over Al's mouth, and draws a huge, blood caked machete..)

'It seems Al has nothing to say in his defense! He MUST be guilty!'

SLICE! (Al, sans la tete!) ..cont..??

Msg #  : 1509 of 1510!
From   : TURIN TURAMBAR
To     : EISEN GUARD
Sub.   : Har..
Posted : 31/09/88-0937

What's this about 'accomplices' and all? You think Sir Robin knows about the hundreds of pounds of pure cocaine that shift eyed South American chaps with odd 'conversation-piece' muscle spams like the one that completely took off a officer's head in '81 bring through here? You suspect maybe he's found the giant underground greenhouse which I dug under the basement and which nets approximately $100,000 a year for us? Nay, sir, you think wrong! Surely us low-life mix-up-the-orders-for-Fred's-pet- care-center-so-that-the-poor-shithead- shaves-off-all-the-fur-of-some- middle-class-wifes-afgan-houn dope snorting fiends wouldn't allow that to happen. So the answer? Presto! LSD! Yes, Chris and I attempt to maintain a constant level of about 10,000 micrograms of pure acid in the bodies of our housemates, thus rendering them effectively braindead at all times. In fact, we very often send Alfred out to sell our chemicals of death and destruction to an increasingly younger group. Last week, for instance, hash went over good at the local kindergarten, but we're hoping to get into Nursery and day-care soon. We also pump Smarry up to the nostrils with PCPs and keep him as a bodyguard. In fact, we watched and laughed through a drugged haze just two days ago as he flayed a 68 year old woman whom we recently turned into a heroin addict because after selling her children and granchildren off to slavery in order to feed her habit, she had no more money..