The Quest For Sanity ======= Chapter 1

She woke up early that morning. There was something strange on her table.

It seemed to be a note! But how did a note get on her bedside table when she had locked all her doors? She gracefully fell out of bed and pulled herself over to the table. The note was simple. 'Help! Trapped in an alternate Reality! You must SAVE ME!' Hmmm. Most interesting.

She kinda liked it. Heroine saves Innocent Guy In Distress. A good shot at chauvanistic fantasy stories! Just then, a door opened in her wall.
'Abandon Sanity, All Ye Who Enter.' It said in rediculous Olde Script.

Why not. It was better than SCHO*L!

So, she stepped thru the door, and was in the Alternate Reality!! BUT, IT WAS A SCHOOL! (I can say that). The problem was, there was something different about this school, because everyone in it had to say the name of the sysop of Dumboard in order to pass, but there was no Dumboard!! Uh

so the teachers could think of what- ever they liked. She went down the halls watching lockers setting students on fire. In the classrooms, Eating, Sleeping and Jumping Off Mile-High Cliffs were being taught. When she saw that the walls were made of carboard, she abandoned sanity

and ran down the hall making swimming motions and chicken noises. She had just got to the Gym when her sanity, which had been wandering around forlornly after she abandoned it, saw her and scampered over. As it jumped back in she thought "What am I DOING here?". She turned and saw...

Peggy... no no, just kidding) a giant Piggy. Bigger than she had ever seen before. Was it all a dream? Was it cheap drugs? It had to be something weird... A pig in a gym?? It didn't make sense. (but then again, when do I ever?) It had a wet snout that just sat there and stared at me. So cute!

I looked around. How in the world did I get in the story?? I looked at her, and she looked at me, and we looked at each other, and the pig just sorta looked at us both real cute-like with its wet snout and those cute tusks... Curious, how the pig seemed to be getting larger...

Quest For Sanity =========== Chapter 2

She looked at me in suprise. We both looked at the giant pig with the cute tusks that loomed over us in the gym in a school in an alternate dimention. We both grabbed our sanity, and abandoned it. No one could look a very big pig in gym shorts and keep their sanity. Just then, who should walk in!

but a gigantic Horn of Gabriel! It drew itself up for a mighty blast but no sound came out. It tried again, still nothing. I squirmed with effort and a tiny was heard. A small note fell out of the horn. The piggy picked it up and read:
"I have been taken to another

alternate reality in room 17."
She wondered what room that was, but I had some questions to ask the piggy before his head got much further off the ground.. "Hey! Do you go to this school?"
"Sure! I'm the gym teacher. At least I was until Gabriel Horn arrived...

Now I'm just the second banana. With that, the horn led the students through a gruelling session of cal- esthtenics. But Piggy, working up a heavy sweat, headed to the change room. Of course, her locker had been broken into! She looked around for the culprit and saw...

...the biggest banana she ever saw. How could it be a piece of fruit could break into a locker. Then, as if it read her mind, it slowly began to peel itself. Slowly, the body was unmasked until a man fully clothed in a black tuxedo stood in front of the sweaty pig in the womens changeroom. (pigname

Pigname? Pigname??? What's a pigname? The guy in tux looked around and so did piggy. They didn't see much of anything so they just looked at each other for while.
"How'd you like my Tux?", said the guy wearing the Tux.
"Huh?", said Piggy. Piggy burped.

I was confused. Where was she? How would we make sense of events with only pronouns? If I knew the answer to that, I would be happy.
Piggy told the Tuxman (related to a taxman) that his tux was nice, but why was he in the women's locker room?
"Well you see, I'm looking for..

...a date for the prom, and Piggy-Sue, your the gal for me." Naturally, Piggy was taken aback. She had never been asked to the prom before. After all, she was a pig.
"Sure.. I guess" grunted the pig.
"Great! I'll pick you up at 7."
replied the tuxman as he zipped up his

Chiquita banana suit and hopped out of the room. Piggy-Sue was gruntless.

But why hop? Hmm... That's suspicious because Piggy's proud prancing and pink pogo-stick was not in her locker!! "Hey, Tuxman," she snorted, "Gimme my p.p.p. pogo-stick!"
But the Tuxman was off! Hopping like a fiend possessed. Piggy-Sue trotted after the natty thief and ran in to...

Her! Now, the peculiar thing is, this female known as her, didn't seem to have a name. Now I was curious. What is your name, I asked. She answered, 'Ask the pig!' I looked for the pig, but she was chasing a banana on a pogo stick. Very peculiar. I looked at the note on the floor that had fallen out

of the Horn. I decided to go to room 17, and she followed me, since it was in HER bedroom that the whole story had started.

'Ok, my friend. I will divulge my name to you. You seem like a decent chap. My name is...

Maria Gozales Este'delucia Jones", 'her' said, "Call me Maria."
"Oh", I replied, "than you must be--"
"That's right, Icelandic", she finished my sentence. Than in came a hopping banana on a pogo stick.
"Is this room 17?", spoke the banana,
"I'm looking for a..."

PIG!!"Oh there you are"said the tuxman "Come with me to the prom"he said as pulled out a six foot screen with the letters P.R.O.M. written on the front. Piggy was taken aback "NO!!"she said "and give me back my pogo stick!".At this point the tuxman lunged at piggy grabbing her and taking her in P.R.O.M

The tuxman dragged piggy off to the PROM, which was put into a fastload cartridge. They were trapped, forced to move bits around at a frantic pace.
The Horn of Gabriel advised us to stay away from static RAM on the quest because it was un-refreshing. Maria and I looked for room 17 in the

back corner of the family studies dept next to Annie-Sue's failing final exam.(It's name was Fred) It showed them to a room, but when they looked up, they noticed it was room 18 !! The banana bounced by. "We don't want room 18 !!" she yelled. "Do

you have piggy? How did you get out of the PROM?" "Elementary, our cartridge was cracked. I don't know where piggy is." He was interrupted by a voice from within the banana suit
"Help, let me out! Give me back my p.p.p.pogo stick!" "Stop that. This

is fruity!" But we ignored the lament and asked the tuxman about family studies.
"I don't know," he said, "I'm just going to a prom, I've never been married, although..."
"Yes? What? Tell us!"

Well, I guess my pals back in the bunch were sort of a family," mused the Tuxman, "but they've all split now!"
Suddenly, what looked like a large tumor on the banana squirmed. It ripped open! A very mad pig burst

out of the Banana, reached down and yanked away the pogo stick. The tuxman lay on the floor while piggy bounced away down the hall. Meanwhile I was pondering on how to find room 17.
"We must go to the 3rd floor" said the tuxman. We went and began counting

our chickens. I had 35 and Maria had 12. But there were no soup pots in the Family Studies Rm (apparently called Fred). So we went up with the Tuxman. There was the door to room 17. Suddenly, my 23rd chicken clucked, "Cluck, don't open that

or the pizza woon't get here in time! Then what'll we do? Imean, 47 chicken stomaches have to be filled! We don't want to starve either!"
At this moment the food got cold and the chickens began to feel ill. They started to fall in the hall,

which tended to disagree with pigs on pogos, which just happened as the pig pogo polo team came gallumphing down the chicken-strewn hallway.
the pigs began to fall and squish the chickens, but being only made of rubber they began to

bounce up and down all through the hall. That was it. I could handle the guy in the banana but the pig pogo polo team was too much. I left the hall immediatly by way of a small air shaft located close to the floor. What luck! A brass lantern hung by a

by a trophy case. No, NO! Not ZORK! But there was a pogo stick there to, so I took the lamp and stick. Then I turned it on. PARSER: What do you want to turn on? Me: Oh, get lost you--I jumped over to join the chicken bashers, my lamp aglow on...

PARSER: I can't use the word 'aglow' here.
Me: QUIET! I want to go and play pogo polo...

Quest For Sanity =========== Chapter 3

I seemed to be in a PseudoZork reality somewhere beneath the school. A lot of thumping came down the airshaft, since there happened to be a pig pogo polo team bouncing on rubber chickens up there.
I quickly took stock of my posessions,

(PARSER: You mean INVENtory!) ...and found I had a brass lantern, pogo stick, and Himalayan Telephone Washer/Wiper.

I knew about the trapdoor that led to the Troll, but how was I to FIGHT?

With diplomacy! I'd show the troll that death and violence were no good! I opened the trap door, and returned 3 minutes later covered in bruises. Right! Time for real fighting, I' d use the pogo stick and jump all over the guy. Hopping down the stairs

he snuck up on the man and trampled him to death. This allowed the very beautiful princess, Miss Stephanie to

work her powerful magic, and I was srestored to the first person. What a relief. I went back up the airshaft, but the pigs were still bouncing up and down on a field of rubber chickens so I ducked back down. I crawled further (PARSER: You can only WALK..)

down. The beautiful Miss S. said, Who are you arguing with? I'm not arguing with anyone-- PARSER: I can't use the word 'any- one' here.
Oh, I nodded recognition, all I need to get rid of him is some DOCS.

So we called out (in beautiful four part harmony -- the brass lantern could talk, it would seem) 'Is there a DOC in the house?' Silence. 'Ok,' I added, 'You can Extra Bill!' Instantly thousands of white-coated people came down the airshaft and

trapped the parser on a disk and took it away. 'And good riddance!' The Brassbantern cried out rather brazenly.
Just then, Maria came down the airshaft. She looked at Princess Steff and at me, and brushed a feather off.

It floated down and bounced violently, denting the shaft's walls. Princess Steff looked a question. Maria said:
The rubber chickens have swarmed and are about to stampede into the sea and the pigs are following them!
Now we can get to Room 17..

But not before Miss Stephanie shared her enormous wealth of knowledge with everyone in the room. She was just so perfect! Her hair was just the right shade of brown and it rested so carefreeon her shoulders. All who had the chance to stare at her were

left speachless by her stunning good looks. Her materialistic symbols were also gazed upon with much admiration. She owned a BMW Turbo, and often could be found zipping down the street with the windows down and passer byers standing on the corners looking at her

in bemused envy. They gazed and gazed at them, and at the underground road that Miss Steff had driven to the air- shaft on. I have big news for you. quoth the stunning princess. The 17th room is in another building! I can drive you there in the Turbo.

So they all stuffed into the tiny seats of the turbo, all the Docs jump- ing in the trunk because they hadn't been paid, and I stood there a second quite stunned. I decided to get on the roof because the Porche was driving away. But! It was a convertable!

So I landed on Princess Steff's soft brown hair that rested so carefree on her shoulders, and mussed it all up.
She gasped, mainly because she could not see where she was going, and all the others gasped, because we were heading for a cement wall! AHHHHHHH!

Princess Steff screamed, Get off my head, this hairdo cost me $70!!
While everyone else continued to scream AHHHHH! (Sounds more like a sigh to me!) The micro-seconds zipped by as the cement wall approached...

The wall approached? Wait a second, that's no wall: it's moving! And the micro-seconds were moving too! So we all jumped out of the car and onto the micro-seconds. They were equipped with all the latest op- tions including overdrive, leather

nanoseconds. The Turbo hit the moving wall (wait! It is a giant elephant!) and bounced off, undamaged, while we were all whisked away on the flow of time to Room Seventeen. We were dumped outside the door by the micro seconds, and Steff fixed her hair.

the door way wasn't spectacular, but did have a nice 70$ paint job! Steff, envious, scratched the door:
So, they could get in without mussing Steff's hair! The door probably would have done the same to Steff.

The door dissapated, and we Maria looked along with us at the incredible mind wrenching sight of the space-time

warptunnel, spiraling off through all the universe. The DOCS all ran into it and were never seen again. Maria stepped forward softly...
ZZZZZZZat! All three of us were pulled through into the tunnel by a gust of Outer Space Wind.

We whirled through a non-euclidean void, with hyperspatial winds blowing around us. Maria turned (don't ask me how!) and guided us to a glowing sphere in the darkness. We approached it, and FOOM, we were in reality 17.
We were in a huge green and orange

room. I turned around slowly to be met face to face with the Green Hornet and Kato! They too, had heard of Miss Steff, and were captivated by her beautifulness! They were hot on the trail of a kidnapper. Mr. Pumpiekin- heada had been kidnapped from the

reality to the left of ours. Steffy offered the use of her BMW Turbo. It was back from the shop and in perfect order, as was everything she ever had anything to do with. She had spent an afternoon at some YUPpie-ish Susi Bar, but didn't dare eat any of the raw fish, but took full advantage of the

fact that her table was highly reflec- tive to comb her hair that rested so carefree on her shoulders. (ick!)

The Green Hornet and Kato told us that the Mr. Pumpiekin-heada was supposed to send them a message if he needed help, with his location on it.
Maria realized that this was the note SHE had recieved!

Somehow, they had to get to poor Mr. P. without losing their sanity!

Quest For Sanity ========== Conclusion

Room number 17 had turned out to be a new reality painted green. In it, we found The Green Hornet and his trusty assistant Kato looking for Mr. Pumpikien-heada, who had disappeared from a reality just to the left of ours. He was the Hornet's agent in that reality, and when he didn't send his usual message, they had come looking for him. Maria realized that this was the same message SHE had found in her room that fateful morning! Somebody had KIDMAPPED Mr. P, and they had to find him!

They had to find Mr. P without losing their sanity, but they had al- ready abandoned it in the gym. The Hornet took us to a Mind Machine and got us some extra sanity.
Maria's head cleared and she real- ized that her wallet was not an alien.

But she suffered a massive heart attack due to the stress of her latest job assignment. Miss Stephanie, truly beautiful, finally went into the famed room 17 and looked around. She was shocked. Why these floors couldn't have been washed in years. Euwww!

Miss S., t.b. & etc., unfortunately stopped looking at the floors and studied the walls. A mirror attach- ed to one caught her eye. In total dumbfoundment (or starfoundment or clobfoundment) she gazed at her truly beautiful self and was unable to look

away from her image. How vain. Suddenly, out of nowhere... CRASH! A huge meteorite fell through the roof and shattered her image. Whew... That was close! Upon closer examination of the interstellar projectile she found....

"How interesting" said the recovered Maria, leaning over Steff to look: "A straight line of dots." I grabbed the still-warm fused lump and turned it around. I saw glowing lettering, and read the fading message:
"Turn Doorknob every which way."

"Turn doorknob every which way?" I repeated... I then walked up to the door, light seeping under it, and attempted to 'turn the doorknob every which way.' THEN suddenly, as I turned it 'EVERY WHICH WAY.' I heard a shriek & turned just in time to see...


But that was a dream. Actually I saw that the door was shrieking! I apologized to the door and it kindly agreed to let us in. The bright light inside caused us to revert to the 3rd person again. They noticed that the light came from a long nosed

Gadget, a species known throughout the lands of Widgets for its compatibility with any story. It looked at us, as the door swung open, allowing its bright light to blaze at us. I sweated in the heat, and they relapsed into the 3rd person. The gadget raised a

tanning lamp and we realised the long nose was due to a malignant cancer. So Kato chopped it off, "Hai Yah!" BUt the gadget was not impressed. "Look, you fools!", he said in that gadget voice of his we all hated, "I happen to have here in my hand...

a Person bomb!" The gadget dropped it, and they suffered terribly, being jerked from one person to another I found very uncomforable. Stephanie grabs the Gadget and yelled "How do we stop this, they'll go nuts if this lasted much longer!" The Gadget could

not understand her. Stephanie decides to stomp on the bomb and she did. Ah! what a relief! My stomping on the bomb deactivated it. Wait. I must have goofed when I put that bomb together, we're all in the first person! What do we do now, I asked, glancing at Maria.

Why not walk backwards? We did, and things went finally back to normal. I said to him, "This has gone far enough what is your name?"
The Gadget, Steff and he stared at me open mouthed. Then I realized. "Yipe! Lemme outta here! This is your

reality! I belong to the left of here!"
We all gasped, or alternatively, they all gasped. "Then you're Mr Pumpkien Head!", we (or they) all said, "How come your head isn't round and big?" Mr P. smiled, "Here it ain't so

curvy 'cause conciousness comes close competing casually --"
"I bet he needs a non c word next", whispered Maria to Steph. (t.b.&etc.)
"with--", said Mr. P.H.
"See!", said Maria proudly.
"C, see, sea or si?" asked Steph.

Mr.P. continued and explained that in this reality his head fit more snugly into the space-geometry. We didn't understand it, but it didn't matter because Mr. Pumpkien Heada had been found, and now all we had to was take him to the right-hand reality.

That was simple. The Green Hornet turned on his Right Hand Turn Signal and we made a turn at right angles to reality.

We dropped off Mr P.H., the Green H. and Kato at their home realities.

Maria picked up her sanity and walked back through the portal that had dropped her there in the first place. Princess Steph and I waved goodbye.

She looked at me, and I looked at her and this green thing looked at us.

'Steff,' I said, 'Let's bust this joint and go exploring the multiverse out there.' She answered, 'Sure. I will bring along my equipment and I can study the climate EVERYWHERE!'

'Oh no you don't!' I said.

'We won't have time!!' And I dragged her off into the sunset by her soft brown hair that hung so carefree on her shoulders.


tHe eNd.