On Cookies And Their Uses

by Alan Bruce

Cookies are extremely useful tools. In fact, since the beginning of written history, the Cookie has played a large role in society.

The earliest recorded mention of a Cookie was discovered by Couky Manster in a cave in Sardis, British Columbia. Paintings within this cave depict hunters chasing Chocolate Chip Cookies with primitive weapons. It would seem that cookies were once wild. Unlike the domestic species of today, the wild Cookies looked very similar to deer, except they had chocolate chips instead of antlers.

Cookies were commonly mentioned in Egyptian carvings. What was commonly mistaken as a representation of the sun-disk has been found to represent a coconut cookie.

Stonehenge is a classic example of Cookie Worship. The stones were deliberately designed to look like balanced Wafer Cookies.


The eating of Cookies is basically a sadistic pastime. However, there are various ways to eat Cookies to maximise torture to various different parties. For example:

CHILDREN - The best way to damage a four year old child mentally is to tie him to a chair and then eat a Super-Chewy-Just-Like-Mom-Makes Chocolate Chip Cookie, crumbling it often, and getting melted chocolate all over your fingers. Then return to the crumbs and begin picking them up. Then lick your fingers thoroughly, removing all but one finger's worth. Then place this finger between the child's eyes, and rub the chocolate into the skin. If this ritual does not cause the child to drool and scream, you may follow through with a ritual cookie sacrifice, in which the child must hold the cookie between the teeth without touching it with the tongue over an open flame.

OREO COOKIES - Slowly unscrew the top of an Oreo Cookie, listening to the tiny chocolate screams rising from it. Then proceed to lick out the intestinal cream, and then you may devour the bottom at any rate you wish. If this does not satisfy your sadistic cravings, you may proceed to stick steel needles through the holes in the design on the top of the Cookie.

SUBWAY RIDERS - Eat a very large Jelly Filled Cookie and poke out the jelly with your finger and then lick it off, making lots of "Mmmm! Yum!" noises. If this doesn't satisfy you, you may wish to try this excersise during rush-hour.

McDONALD'S EMPLOYEES - Buy a pack of McDonaldland Cookies and force the cashier to eat one. When they lapse into the coma, it is advised that you depart quickly...